Wednesday, March 3, 2010

The full moon illuminated across my bed, through the sheer lace curtains. For hours I had tossed and turned, pain radiating through my back. The white cotton softness of my comforter enveloped my body, warming, against the frigid night. I laid listening to the night sounds, only the soft hum of the fan continuously blowing from the wood heater downstairs. I prayed to the Gods for peace and comfort, to deliver me from the pain, something I find myself doing often. I laid still and motionless, on my side, my knees pulled against me, in a small fetal position. I shifted my thoughts, I tried not to think of the pain. I found myself walking along the creek's edge, shaded from the sun with fully blossomed trees. A deer satisfying his thirst from the cool waters..........

My eyes wide open. I dare to move from the fetal position, wrapped in the plushness of my comforter. I hear the the dogs barking outside, I do not move. My thoughts become a wave of curiosity, of the sounds I hear from downstairs. Movement? I hear Stella's tail beating against the covers at the foot of the bed. She is happy with the sounds we hear. I'm no longer scared, no longer worried for its a sound Stella approves of. Thinking one of the girls got up for something to drink, I close my eyes and try to find the solitude of my dreams once again.

Moments pass, I hear "ssshhh" along with Stella's tail thumping excitedly against the bed.I begin to roll over to see who the voice belonged to. I gasp at the dark, broad, silhouette standing over my bed. Before I could speak, before I could show or suppress my fear, the silhouette laid down on my bed, engulfing me with their arms. I began to push away but the strength of their arms pulled me closer against them. "Don't fight me Haley, just let me love you". It was the all too familiar sound of Rob's voice, Rob's arms, Rob's strong embrace. Why was he here? I ended the relationship 3 weeks ago. Fear of loving and losing, selfish, only thinking about myself, I was scared of moving on, knowing I loved him, but scared of loving. Frightened of being loved. He whispered against my ear "you forgot to get your key back when you left me". I felt the corners of my lips turn up, a smile I could not suppress. I had not heard his voice in three weeks we had been apart. I missed his voice, I missed his touch, I missed his presence, hell I missed him. I felt the tears begin to pool inside my eyes. "im sorry" I whispered. He remained silent for a moment, then he pushed me away. He held me by my shoulders, looking me in the eyes. "instead of breaking up with me every time you get scared, why dont you just try and talk it out with me first?" I hung my head and shrugged my shoulders. "I love you Haley, and you just cant keep pushing me away everytime you feel insecure. Your insecurities are not going to change how I feel for you. Just let me love you. Let me give you what you deserve" He said firmly.
"I know Rob, I know. Its just sometimes I dont understand Love. I dont understand how you can love me when I feel so out of control sometimes, when I get confused, when I have my bad days and my brain just wont work like it should..." I began to explain, but he silenced me with his finger pressed against my lips. "Haley, you're not as bad as you think sometimes. Sure you lose concentration sometimes, but I can deal with that. I can deal with anything and everything you feel. What I can't deal with is you leaving me every time you start feeling weird-ed out. If you would just tell me what youre feeling, talk it out with me, we can work through it. I can help you, but I cant help you when I dont know what you're feeling"

I pulled away from his hold on my shoulders and laid back down. I whenced against the pain in my back. I pulled the covers over me again, and rolled into my favorite fetal position again. Turning my back against him. I heard him sigh. "Are you hurting?" he asked. I really heard care and concern in his voice. I simply nodded my head. I felt the covers ease down from my body. My night gown slowly being pushed upward, exposing my bare back to him. His tender fingers stroked along the lower part of my back. He outlined the scar with the tip of his finger. "Don't" I groaned softly. "Your scar does not bother me" he said. "Its ugly" I replied knowing he knew how self-conscious i was of my scar. He continued to run the tip of his finger up and down the scar, outlining it. He whispered "to you its ugly, to me, its beautiful, just like the rest of you".

I felt his arm around my waist, his arm wrap around me totally, turning me over onto my belly. I felt both of his hands on my back, warm, calloused, stroking, rubbing, tenderly. I then felt his lips pressed against the center of my back, kissing softly downward to the pain in the small of my back. He kissed softly where I felt the pain the most. I felt the tip of his tongue outline the scar, then he kissed up my back again, his tongue trailing back down my back till he reached the pain once again. His hands firmly planted on my hips, he turned me over on my back. His calloused hands gently, slowly, pushed my thighs apart. His hands slid underneath my back, kneading the small of my back gently in the exact spot where the pain was now subsiding. he kissed my belly as he kneaded with his fingers, kneading the pain away. Twirling my belly button ring around with the tip of his tongue briefly, he whispered something I didnt quite hear. he kissed downward below my below button, down, down, down, still kneading at the pain............

I laid in his arms. My head against his chest. Listening to the rhythm of his heart beat. The palm of one hand stroking my back, the other splayed inside my hair. Just as he began to snore, I realized the pain in my back was gone. The Gods sure do have an amazing way of delivering me from the pain, I thought before drifting off to sleep.

Today I confess: I really need to get a grasp on the insecurities I often feel, and learn to accept LOVE. Embrace it, instead of trying to hide behind the fear of it.


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