Wednesday, December 30, 2009

I snuggled against him on the couch, his eyes blood shot red, not from too much booze, but from the late night hours. I felt his hand as he ran it through my hair. Each auburn strand gently gliding through his fingers. He told me I smelled good, I smiled.

My fingers splayed out against his shirtless chest, my cheek resting in the crook of his arm. Silence lingered in the room, only the sound of the fire crackling. "Haley?" he whispered.

"yes" I answered.

"Something dawned on me last night" he whispered.

"Whats that" I asked.

I felt his hand tightening in my hair, as he gently tugged a little.

I looked up at him. His eyes half closed looking at me..

"I love you" he whispered

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

I can honestly say my childhood was not the best, but neither was it horrible. I have never been quiet about the relationship between my Mother and me. Its not a fact I have kept hidden, yet it is also a fact sometimes I just dont talk much of. I didnt have the relationship with my mother that most children have with thiers. My Mother and I have never really been terribly close. Mother never really liked me too much. I do believe she loved me, but just didnt like me. I can sit and reflect on my childhood, and see that I wasnt the perfect child. I was a tattle tale, everything my brothers did, I always told on them. I think the main reason Iwas hoping they would get in trouble, but they never did. Mother always favored my brothers and my sister, except for my youngest brother. Everytime I would tattle tell on them, Mother would yell at me.

I got to a point, where I just quit telling. Steve, my oldest brother, would always play mean tricks on me, and Kelly, my sister, would always try and defend me. Steve would hide in the trees, and when I walked outside through the yard, I would get stung by BB's from his BB gun.
One night when I was a child, I was so tired and sleepy, I crawled in the bed, and settled under the warm covers. Something was squirming in the bed with me. I jumped up to turn on the light, pulled the covers back, and saw a big black king snake slithering around in my bed. Steve had planned it all day. He kept the snake hidden, and when he learned I was going to bed that night, he snuck in my room and put the snake in my bed moments before I climbed in. Mama thought it was funny, she laughed and laughed then told Steve to put the snake outside. As I stood cradled in Kelly's arms, Mama told me to pull myself together and dry my tears. There were so many more incidents, but I will save them all for another time.

I had the firey red-head attitude when I was a kid, I always spoke what was on my mind, and I had a very smart mouth. Everytime I would smart off to Mama, I would feel the sting of her famous back hands across the cheek. The little back hands were when she was in a good mood, if she was in a bad mood, it would be a nice slap to the mouth, or across my face. I knew each and everytime I smarted off what would happen, I guess I became immune to it, yet it just wasnt enough to shut me up. I always wondered, why me? Steve and Bobby and even Kelly at times would smart off, and never get the famous back hand. I remember Steve calling my Mother a bitch right to her face when he was about 16. Sadly, I actually smiled at this, just knowing for the first time in his life Steve would get back handed or slapped. To my surprise, Mother turned on me and slapped me and said "wipe that god damn smile off your face Haley" I think at that moment that was my turning point. From that time on, I never really had much to say to my Mother. I would just deal with her, live in her house, go to school, hang with my friends, but I wouldnt ever say anything to my mother. I would bite my lip, and the first chance I got, I would leave.

A couple years later, Kelly was leaving to go to college. I cried and cried. I would be left alone with Mama, Steve and Bobby. Bobby wasnt as much of a problem as Steve was, but Steve had that brotherly influence over Bobby. Lonnie my younger brother wasnt even born yet. I was 14 years old. Kelly hugged me goodbye before she got in her car and whispered some sisterly advice ''never let her see you cry, it shows her your weakness. Bite your tongue, and keep your mouth closed" Then she got in her car and left for college. I ran in the house and climbed in my bed, sobbing. It was only a few days later, that somehow Mother and I got into it. I smarted off, and she swung at me. I could have been all dramatic and caught her hand, but like always I just stood there, and took it. I looked at her after she had slapped me and said "No more mama, no more, thats the last time you will ever hit me" I turned to walk off. She grabbed me by my arm and tried pulling me back screaming "Im not finished with you Haley, you do not walk away from me" I snatched my arm back and said through clenched teeth "watch me" and I walked upstairs to my room and slammed the door shut and locked it. About an hour later, when I felt it was safe to step outside of my locked door, I called my grandfather, and asked would he come get me..forever! It was then I went to live with my grandparents till I married.
16 years later after a failed marriage, i walked back inside my grandparents home and said "im home" and fell into my grandmothers arms. Yes, my home was my grandparents, its where I felt the most love, the most welcome, where I felt home. Today both my grandparents are dead, and I still live in the same home.

When I had my near fatal accident, Mother and I talked alot. We came to terms about our differences. I realized that my Mother did love me, but there was really no real reasons for her dislike of me. As I laid in the hospital Mother told me how much she really loved me, and she apologized for the past.

Back in early spring, Mother had a stroke. This was a shocker to me. I was scared. I remember many times wishing she was dead, but this time, I was wishing she would live. I held her hand, I told her I loved her, and that we would get through it, just as she said to me after my accident.
I put the past behind me, and I was there for my mother. Why? Despite the past, she was my mother, and I loved her.

In my other blog, I wrote about Mother's Day between my Mother and Me. Since that day, we have become a little closer. We do not reflect on the past, we do not really speak of her past actions, or the harsh things she has said to me in the past. We started a new relationship, forgetting the past, but not only forgetting, but Forgiving!! But, honestly the past is still there, its not truly forgotten, but it has been forgiven. yet, i have learned to look past it.

Mother has been married several times. Kelly and Steve have a different father. Bobby and I shared the same father but he died when we both were very young, and Lonnie has a different father. Not long after Lonnie was born 22 years ago, Mama married another man, that wasnt Lonnies father. She has been married to this same man all these years. I think my siblings and I were always grateful she found someone to stay married to, but none of us really cared too much for him. Hes very uptight, way too serious about everything, very money driven, yet he made my mother a very rich woman. My siblings and I have always joked Mama has stayed with him because of the money.

Thursday morning last week, Mama called wanting me to have brunch with her on Friday morning, she had something to discuss with me. Friday morning after our brunch, mother looked at me and said "Im leaving Al, I found out he has been having an affair, so im leaving him, and I plan on taking everything he has."
This came as a shock to me actually. But my main question was "Mama, why did you chose to tell me, to call on me, not kelly or steve?"
Her reply "Because Im hurt Haley, Im devestated. This has really hurt me. I dont know how to handle this, and youve been through this. Youve been through so much, You are the strongest person I know, and I need a good solid rock right now." Tears fell down her cheeks. My mother never cries! I knew then she had truly been hurt.

I have spent numerous hours on the phone with my Mother since Friday, listening to her plans, listening to her speak her words of pain, and listening to all the tricks she had up her sleeve. She confided in me and told me that he had told her he was pissed she survived the stroke. It would have been much easier for him to live his life with the mistress than actually having to face my mothers wrath once she found out, but mother, being strong, did survive, and was doing so well.
My brothers, my sister, and I pulled together, and have supported Mother in her decision, and all of us have been there for her, these last few days.

1am monday, I got a call...mother was in the hospital she had another stroke. I called my siblings, I left Lonnie here at the house with the girls, and we all left to be by my mothers side at the hospital in South Carolina. It was another small stroke, but a stroke just the same. The doctors feel comfortable with her going home tomorrow. This morning, she told my siblings and I "the first stroke, I found out about his affair, I just didnt tell yall, I thought we could work our differences out. last week, I learned he was still seeing her"
Despite my siblings and I not really liking mother's husband, I realized how much love my mother had for this man. He has hurt her beyond a simple broken heart, he has hurt her
to the soul, so much pain that has caused 2 strokes.

As I sit here in this hospital room, watching my mother sleep, I realize how much I do love my mother. I see a strong woman, a woman who has endured way too much and overcome it all. I see a woman who has had many failures, yet boucned back 10 times stronger. I see a woman who loved a man with all the love she had and willing to fight for that love, but her body is just not strong enough for the fight. Is this a love worth dying for?? Hell no!
The doctor said she will be fine. They are going to start her on different blood pressure meds, give her some antidepressant med, and something for her nerves as she goes through this
god awful time in her life.

Today I love is worth this dying for.


Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Life Around Me

After all the rain we have had here lately, Fire Ant hills are everywhere along the farm. I do not like killing anything, so normally, I just kick the tops of the hills, and they scatter. They move on to a different location. Sometimes, I have to kick the tops off everyday for a few days till they finally get the hint and move on. But here lately this hasnt been working. The mounds are getting bigger, nothing is stopping them, they just continue to rebuild.

I walked on along down to the lake, searching for a little "me" time. A short cut through the woods takes me to my favorite spot of seclusion. Some days I just sit for hours, reflecting on the past, looking into the future, or simply just absorbing the energies around me. I take the time to talk to the nature spirits around me, each and every morning, but when Im at my little secret spot at the lake, I sit and I listen. I watched the birds this morning, fly over the water, and I thought to myself how wonderful it would be, to be as free they were. No problems, no worries, just free. The water in front of me made a small noise, I looked out to see circles forming on top of the water, a fish, hitting the top of the water grabbing its morning breakfast. I thought to myself, how nice it would be to be free as the fish, living in a different world under the water, never thirsting, never hungry, no worries, no problems. I looked out among the trees, soon their green will turn to beautiful hues of orange, gold, red, and yellow with the fall tempertures coming in. My favorite time of the year. I made a mental note to get some bird feed for my winter, feathered friends who live around me. Something moved behind me, I turned to look, searching in the trees for the noise. I saw his cute bushy tail, a squirrel looking and gathering his acorns, stocking up and getting ready for the colder temperatures. He saw me watching, and froze momentarily. I assured him I would not harm him, and I assured him, I was not there to take his food. After a few minutes of him contemplating my words, he scurried on, jumping limb to limb. Suddenly I missed Pepper. Pepper was a pet squirrel I had one time. I rescued him from a fallen nest. I took him in and hand fed him pure goats milk from a bottle. I fed him pecans from the pecan orchards, and bird seed. Pepper was cool, he always sat on my shoulder, sometimes stretching out around my neck to take a quick nap. After about a year of keeping Pepper as a pet, he decided he wanted to live with his own. I miss Pepper.

I took my shoes and socks off, and rolled up my jeans and stepped down into the water. Feeling the soft sand squish between my toes. I was now connected to life in the water, from the micro-organisms growing, to the fish that swam around, my feet touching the bottom of the lake, I could feel life. Had it been warmer, I probably would have stripped down to my undies as I often do, and swim with the habitats of the water, but it was too cool for that.
I threw a rock across the water, the splash was louder than I intended, I felt I somehow might have disturbed the living under the waters. I retreated back to my spot on the side of the lake, keeping my feet in the water.

Life...everything around me was life. Everything around me was living, yet some people do not take the time to reflect on life around them, too busy to notice the existance of what is around them. You dont have to live in the country to notice, life is all around.
I understand when a new building is about to be constructed, trees are cut down, the land is cleared in order to build. I have to remind myself, that everytime I walk into Starbucks, at one time, life lived there before the expensive coffee shop was built. How many people realize, the life they are destroying to gain the money from our pockets when businesses are built? I understand without grocery stores, without housing developments, without the commercial and residential needs we possibly wouldnt survive. We have become accustomed to a different form of life, where everything is readily available to us. Yet, life in the wild, life in nature, we think sometimes how free they are, maybe they arent so free. Worries? Had I just not reflected on what it would be like to be free and have no worries? Maybe life in nature to do worry, some of us just dont take the time to listen.

On my way back home, I spotted a dead beetle. I picked him up and put him in the pocket of my jeans. I stopped and peeled the bark off a pine tree, I saw a bug. I had destroyed part of his home. I tried replacing the bark, but damage was done, now the bug would have to relocate.

I walked out of the woods, and I looked across the fields. I could see the deep dark orange mounds of fire ant homes across the fields. I walked up to one, and poked a hole in the top with my finger, pulling it out quickly so I wouldnt get stung by them. I took the dead beetle out of my pocket and quickly dropped it into the hole. I watched the ants swarm around him, ontop of him, devouring him. Free food!

I walked inside my house, and poured a cup of hot steaming coffee. I retrieved the bag of sugar from the cabinet to refill my sugar dish, but little black specks poured in the sugar dish along with my sugar...sugar ants. Ah yes, sugar ants, stealing my sugar! I took the bag outside and laid it on the ground, I would not take thier food from them as they graciously took from me :)
I felt like killing, but instead, I cut up a lemon, i searched for their opening, and placed the lemon wedge to their entrance they will have to find another way to get in, to possibly steal again from me, in order to survive.

I in the country is the best

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

"We all have a story. The past makes us who we are but is not always who we will be."

That is a line from an excerpt of a story written by a new online friend. A line that touched me
in a way that left me fighting and controlling tears. Tears of all the emotions, of all the fears,
that I have kept hidden deep down inside me. I was unable to control the tear drops, and I let
them fall freely down my cheeks. I sought comfort in the woods, surrounded by trees of oaks
and pines. This mornings pouring rain subsided to a fine mist, I did not care, I needed to
find the solitude I often seek inside the woods. I was surrounded by nature. The birds
sang their lovely tunes as the fine mist of gentle rain dripped upon their feathers. Squirrels
ran away as I approached their hiding spots, or interrupted their afternoon snacks. I found
a dried up log lying across the ground. Fallen, destroyed by ice back in the winter.
I sat down on the log, well aware of the many bugs that have made it their home.

"...but is not always who we will be"
The last few days have been difficult for me. My mind has been spinning, the
whirlwind so out of control, that I have become lost in my aggressions and frustrations.
I have found it hard the last few days to control the ADD my mind now possesses.
I have found it hard to cope with things I seem I cannot get done, and I have found it
hard to cope with the feelings I have had raging inside of me. I have lied to my friends
the last few days and told them I just haven't been feeling well, when the truth is
I have been battling a war of emotions, confusion, anger, depression, and pain.
I have been regressing to who I used to be. Calm, peaceful, loving, humorous,
sexy, proud, independent, no longer exist inside of me. It is no longer who I am.

"...but is not always who we will be"
When I learned the extent of my injuries from my car accident back in Jan. I was
told of the long journey I would be taking in recovery, however I was not ready to accept it.
I fought for months to regain my strength and mobility. I fought for months to
learn to control my brain and the wild tornadoes that often spawned inside.
I fought for months to learn to forgive, yet I have no forgiveness left in me for what
he did to me. He took the "me" I had come to know and love, against all the odds
and hardships I endured. He took a piece of me I could never regain, and never ever be
again. My bones were so broken that 3 surgeries were needed to alleviate the pain. Just
when I thought I would not need another surgery, pain would sneak up like a thief in the night
and take hold of me taking my breath, yet another surgery would be needed to correct it.
After having my spinal fusion, I was told that it was probably the end to my surgeries, I would not
have to have anymore...but i would always have some sort of pain. While I may not
feel the pain in my back, the pain is still all to real of what he took from me. He took "me" from
me. I am no longer who I used to be. Broken, yet surgically mended. Broken in mind, yet
medicated for correction. How the fuck does one learn to accept the new person they have become?
"...but is not who we will be"
"We all have a story. The past makes us who we are but is not always who we will be."
Yes, my past does have one hell of a story. I have overcome much adversity to which I felt I could conquer anything that came way. Yet I later found that conquering a mind altering accident was way beyond my control. I cannot control the overly active mind at times, and I cannot control the emotions it leaves me with sometimes. All I can do is learn to cope with it, take the medicine that slows it down, and accept that I am a new me. I started a new blog because the old me is now gone, this is a new beginning, a new chapter in my life. I have overcome the accident for the most part. I have overcome the mending of the many broken bones and can now
move, walk, run, jump, swim, hike, better than before! I can physically enjoy everything I once enjoyed before the accident. I am now back at work full time, but I tend to stay in the office more than working in the fields, but that's ok.

I have learned to see things in a different light. I tend to notice different qualities in people. I tend observe the nature around me more. I tend to appreciate the "i love you's" from my loved ones more, and I find myself speaking those same 3 words more than I ever did. I find myself, laughing at my own stupidity at times, and I do find joy in the more simple and finer things. This is the new me, this is the new beginning and in due time, I will come to know, love and understand
the new me as I grow. I can fight the battles in my mind when it starts to spin out of control, because I have fought so much adversity before. I have to learn to accept change and know that the changes could turn out to be to my advantage. I have to know that at the end of the rainbow there is a pot of gold. I have to know that the old me is dead and gone, and the new me shall prevail, I shall win, I shall conquer.

For one line, one sentence, brought on a whole new revelation..I cannot change the past, I cannot undo what has been done. I can only accept the harsh truth that hit me so hard today.."We all have a story. The past makes us who we are but is not always who we will be."
Today I confess....a mere stranger changed my thoughts on reality