Wednesday, September 16, 2009

"We all have a story. The past makes us who we are but is not always who we will be."

That is a line from an excerpt of a story written by a new online friend. A line that touched me
in a way that left me fighting and controlling tears. Tears of all the emotions, of all the fears,
that I have kept hidden deep down inside me. I was unable to control the tear drops, and I let
them fall freely down my cheeks. I sought comfort in the woods, surrounded by trees of oaks
and pines. This mornings pouring rain subsided to a fine mist, I did not care, I needed to
find the solitude I often seek inside the woods. I was surrounded by nature. The birds
sang their lovely tunes as the fine mist of gentle rain dripped upon their feathers. Squirrels
ran away as I approached their hiding spots, or interrupted their afternoon snacks. I found
a dried up log lying across the ground. Fallen, destroyed by ice back in the winter.
I sat down on the log, well aware of the many bugs that have made it their home.

"...but is not always who we will be"
The last few days have been difficult for me. My mind has been spinning, the
whirlwind so out of control, that I have become lost in my aggressions and frustrations.
I have found it hard the last few days to control the ADD my mind now possesses.
I have found it hard to cope with things I seem I cannot get done, and I have found it
hard to cope with the feelings I have had raging inside of me. I have lied to my friends
the last few days and told them I just haven't been feeling well, when the truth is
I have been battling a war of emotions, confusion, anger, depression, and pain.
I have been regressing to who I used to be. Calm, peaceful, loving, humorous,
sexy, proud, independent, no longer exist inside of me. It is no longer who I am.

"...but is not always who we will be"
When I learned the extent of my injuries from my car accident back in Jan. I was
told of the long journey I would be taking in recovery, however I was not ready to accept it.
I fought for months to regain my strength and mobility. I fought for months to
learn to control my brain and the wild tornadoes that often spawned inside.
I fought for months to learn to forgive, yet I have no forgiveness left in me for what
he did to me. He took the "me" I had come to know and love, against all the odds
and hardships I endured. He took a piece of me I could never regain, and never ever be
again. My bones were so broken that 3 surgeries were needed to alleviate the pain. Just
when I thought I would not need another surgery, pain would sneak up like a thief in the night
and take hold of me taking my breath, yet another surgery would be needed to correct it.
After having my spinal fusion, I was told that it was probably the end to my surgeries, I would not
have to have anymore...but i would always have some sort of pain. While I may not
feel the pain in my back, the pain is still all to real of what he took from me. He took "me" from
me. I am no longer who I used to be. Broken, yet surgically mended. Broken in mind, yet
medicated for correction. How the fuck does one learn to accept the new person they have become?
"...but is not who we will be"
"We all have a story. The past makes us who we are but is not always who we will be."
Yes, my past does have one hell of a story. I have overcome much adversity to which I felt I could conquer anything that came way. Yet I later found that conquering a mind altering accident was way beyond my control. I cannot control the overly active mind at times, and I cannot control the emotions it leaves me with sometimes. All I can do is learn to cope with it, take the medicine that slows it down, and accept that I am a new me. I started a new blog because the old me is now gone, this is a new beginning, a new chapter in my life. I have overcome the accident for the most part. I have overcome the mending of the many broken bones and can now
move, walk, run, jump, swim, hike, better than before! I can physically enjoy everything I once enjoyed before the accident. I am now back at work full time, but I tend to stay in the office more than working in the fields, but that's ok.

I have learned to see things in a different light. I tend to notice different qualities in people. I tend observe the nature around me more. I tend to appreciate the "i love you's" from my loved ones more, and I find myself speaking those same 3 words more than I ever did. I find myself, laughing at my own stupidity at times, and I do find joy in the more simple and finer things. This is the new me, this is the new beginning and in due time, I will come to know, love and understand
the new me as I grow. I can fight the battles in my mind when it starts to spin out of control, because I have fought so much adversity before. I have to learn to accept change and know that the changes could turn out to be to my advantage. I have to know that at the end of the rainbow there is a pot of gold. I have to know that the old me is dead and gone, and the new me shall prevail, I shall win, I shall conquer.

For one line, one sentence, brought on a whole new revelation..I cannot change the past, I cannot undo what has been done. I can only accept the harsh truth that hit me so hard today.."We all have a story. The past makes us who we are but is not always who we will be."
Today I confess....a mere stranger changed my thoughts on reality


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