Tuesday, May 11, 2010
I walked outside the other day, the air still, calm, hot and humid, but very fragrant. I wondered what was smelling so wonderful. I walked around the yard sniffing the roses, sniffing the daylillies but neither were the beautiful fragrance that filled the air.
I made my way down to the field, just down to the edge of the woods, just enjoying all the nature around me, feeling the earth under my bare feet. Honeysuckle were in full bloom against the edge of the woods. I stopped, and picked a yellow bloom. I pinched the edge of the bloom, and pulled on the little honeysuckle string slowly, till the ever so small drop of liquid dangled from the bottom of the bloom. I placed my tongue on the little liquid drop, its sweetness was not enough. I'm not sure how long I stood against the edge of the woods, picking honeysuckle and tasting their delicious nectar. I was lost in thought, and time, just enjoying the taste of natures own. When I came back to reality from being in a world all of my own, I noticed the pile of picked yellow and white blooms laying on the ground. There must have been 40 or 50 of them. Did I really consume all the nectar from the blooms laying on the ground? I stood for a minute, and smiled.
I turned to start back toward to the house, when I noticed for the first time, the field was white from being covered in clover flowers. The white blossoms of the clovers were in full bloom. I took a deep breath and realized, it was the clovers blooming that I smelled. I never realized they had such a wonderful smell.
I laid among the clover in the middle of the field, watching the clouds move above me. I made shapes and figures out of each cloud that moved by. The sun behind me, behind the trees of the woods, made it much more comfortable lying there. I could feel the warmth of the earth under me, and I laid imagining myself as one with the earth. I imagined myself having roots, and those roots growing deep under the earth. I was one with the earth. The soft floral fragrance, the warm earth, the still of the air, my belly full of honeysuckle nectar, I drifted off and fell asleep.
I woke sometime later, with raindrops falling against my pale skin. I opened my eyes, to see the dark clouds, no longer white and fluffy, but dark and grey. The rain against my skin, felt pleasant, and I continued to lay there.
The rain turned from little droplets of water, to a pouring rain, and I continued to lay in the same exact spot, letting it beat and against my skin. When I was completely soaked, I stood, and held my face up toward the sky and smoothed my long, auburn hair away from my face, letting the rain sting my face. I cupped my hands together, letting the rain pool inside my palms, and then I drank natures refreshing water, feeling it go down my throat, down to my belly. I continued to stand in the pouring rain, drinking nature's pure water from the cup of my hands till I thirst no longer.
I had tasted nature's sweet nectar. I had smelled nature's sweet fragrance. I had let my self become one with the earth and rest upon the earth. I had showered under nature's rain, and I had drank from Mother Earth's tears. Feeling completely at peace with myself, completely rejuvenated, completely whole again, I turned to head back toward the house.
Something on top of the hill, leaning against the dogwood tree, caught my eye. I could hardly make out what it was through the blurriness of the rainfall, I shrugged my shoulders and started climbing the hill. As I neared closer to the top, the silhouette behind the rain, became in clear view. Leaning against the dogwood was Rob, trying to shelter himself from the downpour.
I slowly approached him, curious as to how long he'd been standing there, curious with the look on his face. He stood straight when I was only inches from him, and placed his callous palms against my cheeks and pushed my soaking wet hair away from my face, then kissing me hard, "you are a fucking Goddess" he said against my mouth, unzipping my cutoff blue jean shorts, and pushing them down to my ankles. I barely had time to step out of them, when he lifted me and swung me around till my back was against the tree. "Don't hurt me" I whispered out of fear that the tree would hurt my back. I wrapped my arms tightly around his neck, and buried my rain soaked face against his shoulder. My legs wrapped around his midsection, his hands on my bare ass, he entered inside of me and we became one, in the rain.
Thunder rumbled in the distance. I zipped up my cutoff blue jeans, "How long have you been here?" I asked, almost yelling over the torrential downpour.
He shrugged his shoulders "Ever since you ate the the honeysuckles."
Hand in hand we walked back to the house, the rain pouring against our bodies. Once inside I watched him take off his rain soaked shirt, his body had chill bumps all over. I could even see them over all the tattoos across his arms and chest. I turned to walk in the kitchen, when he grabbed me by arm and pulled me to him "Im not through with you, watching you in the rain was the fucking hottest thing I have ever seen" he said, gently nibbling my neck.
In one swift move, he scooped me into his arms, cradling me, as if I were a infant and carried me up the stairs.
Today I confess: this may not have been blog worthy material but it is a memory I never want to forget. I was cleansed and purified by Mother Earth, and fell deeper in love in the same day. It was a day I never want to forget.
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
The full moon illuminated across my bed, through the sheer lace curtains. For hours I had tossed and turned, pain radiating through my back. The white cotton softness of my comforter enveloped my body, warming, against the frigid night. I laid listening to the night sounds, only the soft hum of the fan continuously blowing from the wood heater downstairs. I prayed to the Gods for peace and comfort, to deliver me from the pain, something I find myself doing often. I laid still and motionless, on my side, my knees pulled against me, in a small fetal position. I shifted my thoughts, I tried not to think of the pain. I found myself walking along the creek's edge, shaded from the sun with fully blossomed trees. A deer satisfying his thirst from the cool waters..........
My eyes wide open. I dare to move from the fetal position, wrapped in the plushness of my comforter. I hear the the dogs barking outside, I do not move. My thoughts become a wave of curiosity, of the sounds I hear from downstairs. Movement? I hear Stella's tail beating against the covers at the foot of the bed. She is happy with the sounds we hear. I'm no longer scared, no longer worried for its a sound Stella approves of. Thinking one of the girls got up for something to drink, I close my eyes and try to find the solitude of my dreams once again.
Moments pass, I hear "ssshhh" along with Stella's tail thumping excitedly against the bed.I begin to roll over to see who the voice belonged to. I gasp at the dark, broad, silhouette standing over my bed. Before I could speak, before I could show or suppress my fear, the silhouette laid down on my bed, engulfing me with their arms. I began to push away but the strength of their arms pulled me closer against them. "Don't fight me Haley, just let me love you". It was the all too familiar sound of Rob's voice, Rob's arms, Rob's strong embrace. Why was he here? I ended the relationship 3 weeks ago. Fear of loving and losing, selfish, only thinking about myself, I was scared of moving on, knowing I loved him, but scared of loving. Frightened of being loved. He whispered against my ear "you forgot to get your key back when you left me". I felt the corners of my lips turn up, a smile I could not suppress. I had not heard his voice in three weeks we had been apart. I missed his voice, I missed his touch, I missed his presence, hell I missed him. I felt the tears begin to pool inside my eyes. "im sorry" I whispered. He remained silent for a moment, then he pushed me away. He held me by my shoulders, looking me in the eyes. "instead of breaking up with me every time you get scared, why dont you just try and talk it out with me first?" I hung my head and shrugged my shoulders. "I love you Haley, and you just cant keep pushing me away everytime you feel insecure. Your insecurities are not going to change how I feel for you. Just let me love you. Let me give you what you deserve" He said firmly.
"I know Rob, I know. Its just sometimes I dont understand Love. I dont understand how you can love me when I feel so out of control sometimes, when I get confused, when I have my bad days and my brain just wont work like it should..." I began to explain, but he silenced me with his finger pressed against my lips. "Haley, you're not as bad as you think sometimes. Sure you lose concentration sometimes, but I can deal with that. I can deal with anything and everything you feel. What I can't deal with is you leaving me every time you start feeling weird-ed out. If you would just tell me what youre feeling, talk it out with me, we can work through it. I can help you, but I cant help you when I dont know what you're feeling"
I pulled away from his hold on my shoulders and laid back down. I whenced against the pain in my back. I pulled the covers over me again, and rolled into my favorite fetal position again. Turning my back against him. I heard him sigh. "Are you hurting?" he asked. I really heard care and concern in his voice. I simply nodded my head. I felt the covers ease down from my body. My night gown slowly being pushed upward, exposing my bare back to him. His tender fingers stroked along the lower part of my back. He outlined the scar with the tip of his finger. "Don't" I groaned softly. "Your scar does not bother me" he said. "Its ugly" I replied knowing he knew how self-conscious i was of my scar. He continued to run the tip of his finger up and down the scar, outlining it. He whispered "to you its ugly, to me, its beautiful, just like the rest of you".
I felt his arm around my waist, his arm wrap around me totally, turning me over onto my belly. I felt both of his hands on my back, warm, calloused, stroking, rubbing, tenderly. I then felt his lips pressed against the center of my back, kissing softly downward to the pain in the small of my back. He kissed softly where I felt the pain the most. I felt the tip of his tongue outline the scar, then he kissed up my back again, his tongue trailing back down my back till he reached the pain once again. His hands firmly planted on my hips, he turned me over on my back. His calloused hands gently, slowly, pushed my thighs apart. His hands slid underneath my back, kneading the small of my back gently in the exact spot where the pain was now subsiding. he kissed my belly as he kneaded with his fingers, kneading the pain away. Twirling my belly button ring around with the tip of his tongue briefly, he whispered something I didnt quite hear. he kissed downward below my below button, down, down, down, still kneading at the pain............
I laid in his arms. My head against his chest. Listening to the rhythm of his heart beat. The palm of one hand stroking my back, the other splayed inside my hair. Just as he began to snore, I realized the pain in my back was gone. The Gods sure do have an amazing way of delivering me from the pain, I thought before drifting off to sleep.
Today I confess: I really need to get a grasp on the insecurities I often feel, and learn to accept LOVE. Embrace it, instead of trying to hide behind the fear of it.