Wednesday, March 3, 2010
The full moon illuminated across my bed, through the sheer lace curtains. For hours I had tossed and turned, pain radiating through my back. The white cotton softness of my comforter enveloped my body, warming, against the frigid night. I laid listening to the night sounds, only the soft hum of the fan continuously blowing from the wood heater downstairs. I prayed to the Gods for peace and comfort, to deliver me from the pain, something I find myself doing often. I laid still and motionless, on my side, my knees pulled against me, in a small fetal position. I shifted my thoughts, I tried not to think of the pain. I found myself walking along the creek's edge, shaded from the sun with fully blossomed trees. A deer satisfying his thirst from the cool waters..........
My eyes wide open. I dare to move from the fetal position, wrapped in the plushness of my comforter. I hear the the dogs barking outside, I do not move. My thoughts become a wave of curiosity, of the sounds I hear from downstairs. Movement? I hear Stella's tail beating against the covers at the foot of the bed. She is happy with the sounds we hear. I'm no longer scared, no longer worried for its a sound Stella approves of. Thinking one of the girls got up for something to drink, I close my eyes and try to find the solitude of my dreams once again.
Moments pass, I hear "ssshhh" along with Stella's tail thumping excitedly against the bed.I begin to roll over to see who the voice belonged to. I gasp at the dark, broad, silhouette standing over my bed. Before I could speak, before I could show or suppress my fear, the silhouette laid down on my bed, engulfing me with their arms. I began to push away but the strength of their arms pulled me closer against them. "Don't fight me Haley, just let me love you". It was the all too familiar sound of Rob's voice, Rob's arms, Rob's strong embrace. Why was he here? I ended the relationship 3 weeks ago. Fear of loving and losing, selfish, only thinking about myself, I was scared of moving on, knowing I loved him, but scared of loving. Frightened of being loved. He whispered against my ear "you forgot to get your key back when you left me". I felt the corners of my lips turn up, a smile I could not suppress. I had not heard his voice in three weeks we had been apart. I missed his voice, I missed his touch, I missed his presence, hell I missed him. I felt the tears begin to pool inside my eyes. "im sorry" I whispered. He remained silent for a moment, then he pushed me away. He held me by my shoulders, looking me in the eyes. "instead of breaking up with me every time you get scared, why dont you just try and talk it out with me first?" I hung my head and shrugged my shoulders. "I love you Haley, and you just cant keep pushing me away everytime you feel insecure. Your insecurities are not going to change how I feel for you. Just let me love you. Let me give you what you deserve" He said firmly.
"I know Rob, I know. Its just sometimes I dont understand Love. I dont understand how you can love me when I feel so out of control sometimes, when I get confused, when I have my bad days and my brain just wont work like it should..." I began to explain, but he silenced me with his finger pressed against my lips. "Haley, you're not as bad as you think sometimes. Sure you lose concentration sometimes, but I can deal with that. I can deal with anything and everything you feel. What I can't deal with is you leaving me every time you start feeling weird-ed out. If you would just tell me what youre feeling, talk it out with me, we can work through it. I can help you, but I cant help you when I dont know what you're feeling"
I pulled away from his hold on my shoulders and laid back down. I whenced against the pain in my back. I pulled the covers over me again, and rolled into my favorite fetal position again. Turning my back against him. I heard him sigh. "Are you hurting?" he asked. I really heard care and concern in his voice. I simply nodded my head. I felt the covers ease down from my body. My night gown slowly being pushed upward, exposing my bare back to him. His tender fingers stroked along the lower part of my back. He outlined the scar with the tip of his finger. "Don't" I groaned softly. "Your scar does not bother me" he said. "Its ugly" I replied knowing he knew how self-conscious i was of my scar. He continued to run the tip of his finger up and down the scar, outlining it. He whispered "to you its ugly, to me, its beautiful, just like the rest of you".
I felt his arm around my waist, his arm wrap around me totally, turning me over onto my belly. I felt both of his hands on my back, warm, calloused, stroking, rubbing, tenderly. I then felt his lips pressed against the center of my back, kissing softly downward to the pain in the small of my back. He kissed softly where I felt the pain the most. I felt the tip of his tongue outline the scar, then he kissed up my back again, his tongue trailing back down my back till he reached the pain once again. His hands firmly planted on my hips, he turned me over on my back. His calloused hands gently, slowly, pushed my thighs apart. His hands slid underneath my back, kneading the small of my back gently in the exact spot where the pain was now subsiding. he kissed my belly as he kneaded with his fingers, kneading the pain away. Twirling my belly button ring around with the tip of his tongue briefly, he whispered something I didnt quite hear. he kissed downward below my below button, down, down, down, still kneading at the pain............
I laid in his arms. My head against his chest. Listening to the rhythm of his heart beat. The palm of one hand stroking my back, the other splayed inside my hair. Just as he began to snore, I realized the pain in my back was gone. The Gods sure do have an amazing way of delivering me from the pain, I thought before drifting off to sleep.
Today I confess: I really need to get a grasp on the insecurities I often feel, and learn to accept LOVE. Embrace it, instead of trying to hide behind the fear of it.
Thursday, January 7, 2010
When I noticed the first few flakes begin to fall, I wrapped myself in a blanket and went outside to feel the flakes against my face. The snow began to fall harder, no accumulation expected, but I wanted to sit and watch the snow fall, we may not get anymore this year. I sat on my front porch wrapped tightly in my fuzzy blanket. The only light shining was the flood light toward one of the barns. It illuminated the skies just enough for me to see the flakes fall so graceful, so silent. I find so much peace when I'm alone outside with no one around, but the peace I felt tonight cannot be explained.
Every time it snows, I'm a kid again, wanting to experience every thing there is to experience with the snow. I stood on the side of the porch with my mouth wide open and my head tilted toward the sky. I heard the front door open, Rob wanted to know what the hell I was doing. I informed him I was trying to catch a snow flake on my tongue. He kinda laughed then sat down in the wicker straight back chair I love so much. He began to tell me how he thought us Georgia rednecks go to the extreme when the least bit of snow is fore casted. Aimee and Shelby ran out the door screaming "snow, snow, snow" With the 3 outside, my moments of silence were no more. Rob, originally from Iowa is used to the snow. He's used to the huge flakes and blizzards. So he found our extreme excitement a little bizarre I suppose.
Aimee and Shelby danced around in the yard and I joined them holding their hands dancing around in circles. When the snow began to fall harder and faster with flakes as big as my thumb, I started screaming "oh my God its a freaking blizzard now!!" I was consumed by such a magical joy at that moment. Rob was laughing from the porch saying "this is far from a f-ing blizzard, this is just a little flurry" The girls and I danced around in the midnight snow with our mouths wide open catching the flakes on our tongue, feeling the soft droplets of the flakes on our faces. Lonnie, my baby brother stepped outside, "freaking f-ing awesome man" he said, running to join us in the yard. I glanced at Rob still on the porch shaking his head at our insane midnight joy in the snow.
I finally told the girls they needed to go to bed, just in case they didn't call school off. Rob was confused questioning whether or not the schools would close. I explained that the schools either close or go on a 2 hour delay even with the slightest dusting of snow. He couldnt believe it. He then told me there would be 5 feet of snow in Iowa and still have school. The thing about Georgia and South Carolina, at the slightest mention of snow, people rush to the grocery store buying bread and milk till there is none in stock. I never fully understood that. I, being the big milk drinker that I am, always drink about a gallon in a day in a half, so I'm always buying milk. When the snow idiots buy out the milk and bread from the stores, I'm quite pissed because then I don't get my daily amount of consumption.
At the slightest blanket of snow, us Georgia rednecks, have to go out in our 4 wheel drive trucks and jeeps and make a mess out of the beautiful white blanket that covers the earth, mixing snow and orange mud, turning it into mush. There are more wrecks on the road because we simply do not know how to drive when the innocent flakes begin to fall and accumulate to less than an inch.
With only less than an inch on the ground, we go around building little snowmen and women with what little snow we have. Theres no need to worry if we use up all the snow on the ground, we mix in a little dirt too, or rob some of the powder like dusting off tops of the cars, buildings, sheds, whatever stands holding just a little snow. After our snow/sand men and women are finished we stand back and admire such a beautiful creation.
When the girls went back in the house, I sat on Rob's lap, my blanket still around me and I felt his arms wrap around my midsection. "don't talk to me, just let me enjoy the snow, the peace, the quietness, the beauty, just let me enjoy it" I whispered leaning into him. Snuggled against him in his lap, feeling the warmth of my furry blanket, and his arms, I watched the snow as it
began to fade into the night, as it went from a Georgia blizzard to a single flake every 30 seconds.
We sat in the quiet, not speaking a word. Just him, me, and the Georgia snow. What a great Peace.
Tonight I confess: Its always been a fantasy of mine to make love in the snow, I wanted to tonight but was embarrassed to tell him.