Saturday, September 4, 2010
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
I walked outside the other day, the air still, calm, hot and humid, but very fragrant. I wondered what was smelling so wonderful. I walked around the yard sniffing the roses, sniffing the daylillies but neither were the beautiful fragrance that filled the air.
I made my way down to the field, just down to the edge of the woods, just enjoying all the nature around me, feeling the earth under my bare feet. Honeysuckle were in full bloom against the edge of the woods. I stopped, and picked a yellow bloom. I pinched the edge of the bloom, and pulled on the little honeysuckle string slowly, till the ever so small drop of liquid dangled from the bottom of the bloom. I placed my tongue on the little liquid drop, its sweetness was not enough. I'm not sure how long I stood against the edge of the woods, picking honeysuckle and tasting their delicious nectar. I was lost in thought, and time, just enjoying the taste of natures own. When I came back to reality from being in a world all of my own, I noticed the pile of picked yellow and white blooms laying on the ground. There must have been 40 or 50 of them. Did I really consume all the nectar from the blooms laying on the ground? I stood for a minute, and smiled.
I turned to start back toward to the house, when I noticed for the first time, the field was white from being covered in clover flowers. The white blossoms of the clovers were in full bloom. I took a deep breath and realized, it was the clovers blooming that I smelled. I never realized they had such a wonderful smell.
I laid among the clover in the middle of the field, watching the clouds move above me. I made shapes and figures out of each cloud that moved by. The sun behind me, behind the trees of the woods, made it much more comfortable lying there. I could feel the warmth of the earth under me, and I laid imagining myself as one with the earth. I imagined myself having roots, and those roots growing deep under the earth. I was one with the earth. The soft floral fragrance, the warm earth, the still of the air, my belly full of honeysuckle nectar, I drifted off and fell asleep.
I woke sometime later, with raindrops falling against my pale skin. I opened my eyes, to see the dark clouds, no longer white and fluffy, but dark and grey. The rain against my skin, felt pleasant, and I continued to lay there.
The rain turned from little droplets of water, to a pouring rain, and I continued to lay in the same exact spot, letting it beat and against my skin. When I was completely soaked, I stood, and held my face up toward the sky and smoothed my long, auburn hair away from my face, letting the rain sting my face. I cupped my hands together, letting the rain pool inside my palms, and then I drank natures refreshing water, feeling it go down my throat, down to my belly. I continued to stand in the pouring rain, drinking nature's pure water from the cup of my hands till I thirst no longer.
I had tasted nature's sweet nectar. I had smelled nature's sweet fragrance. I had let my self become one with the earth and rest upon the earth. I had showered under nature's rain, and I had drank from Mother Earth's tears. Feeling completely at peace with myself, completely rejuvenated, completely whole again, I turned to head back toward the house.
Something on top of the hill, leaning against the dogwood tree, caught my eye. I could hardly make out what it was through the blurriness of the rainfall, I shrugged my shoulders and started climbing the hill. As I neared closer to the top, the silhouette behind the rain, became in clear view. Leaning against the dogwood was Rob, trying to shelter himself from the downpour.
I slowly approached him, curious as to how long he'd been standing there, curious with the look on his face. He stood straight when I was only inches from him, and placed his callous palms against my cheeks and pushed my soaking wet hair away from my face, then kissing me hard, "you are a fucking Goddess" he said against my mouth, unzipping my cutoff blue jean shorts, and pushing them down to my ankles. I barely had time to step out of them, when he lifted me and swung me around till my back was against the tree. "Don't hurt me" I whispered out of fear that the tree would hurt my back. I wrapped my arms tightly around his neck, and buried my rain soaked face against his shoulder. My legs wrapped around his midsection, his hands on my bare ass, he entered inside of me and we became one, in the rain.
Thunder rumbled in the distance. I zipped up my cutoff blue jeans, "How long have you been here?" I asked, almost yelling over the torrential downpour.
He shrugged his shoulders "Ever since you ate the the honeysuckles."
Hand in hand we walked back to the house, the rain pouring against our bodies. Once inside I watched him take off his rain soaked shirt, his body had chill bumps all over. I could even see them over all the tattoos across his arms and chest. I turned to walk in the kitchen, when he grabbed me by arm and pulled me to him "Im not through with you, watching you in the rain was the fucking hottest thing I have ever seen" he said, gently nibbling my neck.
In one swift move, he scooped me into his arms, cradling me, as if I were a infant and carried me up the stairs.
Today I confess: this may not have been blog worthy material but it is a memory I never want to forget. I was cleansed and purified by Mother Earth, and fell deeper in love in the same day. It was a day I never want to forget.
Sunday, March 14, 2010
Quick, simple and to the point.
I noticed this afternoon as I walked through the woods that spring is in on the way. Everything around me was showing signs of waking from the long winter's dream. I feel like I have been waiting so long!
Today I confess: Life is good, love is good. I couldnt be happier
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
The full moon illuminated across my bed, through the sheer lace curtains. For hours I had tossed and turned, pain radiating through my back. The white cotton softness of my comforter enveloped my body, warming, against the frigid night. I laid listening to the night sounds, only the soft hum of the fan continuously blowing from the wood heater downstairs. I prayed to the Gods for peace and comfort, to deliver me from the pain, something I find myself doing often. I laid still and motionless, on my side, my knees pulled against me, in a small fetal position. I shifted my thoughts, I tried not to think of the pain. I found myself walking along the creek's edge, shaded from the sun with fully blossomed trees. A deer satisfying his thirst from the cool waters..........
My eyes wide open. I dare to move from the fetal position, wrapped in the plushness of my comforter. I hear the the dogs barking outside, I do not move. My thoughts become a wave of curiosity, of the sounds I hear from downstairs. Movement? I hear Stella's tail beating against the covers at the foot of the bed. She is happy with the sounds we hear. I'm no longer scared, no longer worried for its a sound Stella approves of. Thinking one of the girls got up for something to drink, I close my eyes and try to find the solitude of my dreams once again.
Moments pass, I hear "ssshhh" along with Stella's tail thumping excitedly against the bed.I begin to roll over to see who the voice belonged to. I gasp at the dark, broad, silhouette standing over my bed. Before I could speak, before I could show or suppress my fear, the silhouette laid down on my bed, engulfing me with their arms. I began to push away but the strength of their arms pulled me closer against them. "Don't fight me Haley, just let me love you". It was the all too familiar sound of Rob's voice, Rob's arms, Rob's strong embrace. Why was he here? I ended the relationship 3 weeks ago. Fear of loving and losing, selfish, only thinking about myself, I was scared of moving on, knowing I loved him, but scared of loving. Frightened of being loved. He whispered against my ear "you forgot to get your key back when you left me". I felt the corners of my lips turn up, a smile I could not suppress. I had not heard his voice in three weeks we had been apart. I missed his voice, I missed his touch, I missed his presence, hell I missed him. I felt the tears begin to pool inside my eyes. "im sorry" I whispered. He remained silent for a moment, then he pushed me away. He held me by my shoulders, looking me in the eyes. "instead of breaking up with me every time you get scared, why dont you just try and talk it out with me first?" I hung my head and shrugged my shoulders. "I love you Haley, and you just cant keep pushing me away everytime you feel insecure. Your insecurities are not going to change how I feel for you. Just let me love you. Let me give you what you deserve" He said firmly.
"I know Rob, I know. Its just sometimes I dont understand Love. I dont understand how you can love me when I feel so out of control sometimes, when I get confused, when I have my bad days and my brain just wont work like it should..." I began to explain, but he silenced me with his finger pressed against my lips. "Haley, you're not as bad as you think sometimes. Sure you lose concentration sometimes, but I can deal with that. I can deal with anything and everything you feel. What I can't deal with is you leaving me every time you start feeling weird-ed out. If you would just tell me what youre feeling, talk it out with me, we can work through it. I can help you, but I cant help you when I dont know what you're feeling"
I pulled away from his hold on my shoulders and laid back down. I whenced against the pain in my back. I pulled the covers over me again, and rolled into my favorite fetal position again. Turning my back against him. I heard him sigh. "Are you hurting?" he asked. I really heard care and concern in his voice. I simply nodded my head. I felt the covers ease down from my body. My night gown slowly being pushed upward, exposing my bare back to him. His tender fingers stroked along the lower part of my back. He outlined the scar with the tip of his finger. "Don't" I groaned softly. "Your scar does not bother me" he said. "Its ugly" I replied knowing he knew how self-conscious i was of my scar. He continued to run the tip of his finger up and down the scar, outlining it. He whispered "to you its ugly, to me, its beautiful, just like the rest of you".
I felt his arm around my waist, his arm wrap around me totally, turning me over onto my belly. I felt both of his hands on my back, warm, calloused, stroking, rubbing, tenderly. I then felt his lips pressed against the center of my back, kissing softly downward to the pain in the small of my back. He kissed softly where I felt the pain the most. I felt the tip of his tongue outline the scar, then he kissed up my back again, his tongue trailing back down my back till he reached the pain once again. His hands firmly planted on my hips, he turned me over on my back. His calloused hands gently, slowly, pushed my thighs apart. His hands slid underneath my back, kneading the small of my back gently in the exact spot where the pain was now subsiding. he kissed my belly as he kneaded with his fingers, kneading the pain away. Twirling my belly button ring around with the tip of his tongue briefly, he whispered something I didnt quite hear. he kissed downward below my below button, down, down, down, still kneading at the pain............
I laid in his arms. My head against his chest. Listening to the rhythm of his heart beat. The palm of one hand stroking my back, the other splayed inside my hair. Just as he began to snore, I realized the pain in my back was gone. The Gods sure do have an amazing way of delivering me from the pain, I thought before drifting off to sleep.
Today I confess: I really need to get a grasp on the insecurities I often feel, and learn to accept LOVE. Embrace it, instead of trying to hide behind the fear of it.
Thursday, January 7, 2010
When I noticed the first few flakes begin to fall, I wrapped myself in a blanket and went outside to feel the flakes against my face. The snow began to fall harder, no accumulation expected, but I wanted to sit and watch the snow fall, we may not get anymore this year. I sat on my front porch wrapped tightly in my fuzzy blanket. The only light shining was the flood light toward one of the barns. It illuminated the skies just enough for me to see the flakes fall so graceful, so silent. I find so much peace when I'm alone outside with no one around, but the peace I felt tonight cannot be explained.
Every time it snows, I'm a kid again, wanting to experience every thing there is to experience with the snow. I stood on the side of the porch with my mouth wide open and my head tilted toward the sky. I heard the front door open, Rob wanted to know what the hell I was doing. I informed him I was trying to catch a snow flake on my tongue. He kinda laughed then sat down in the wicker straight back chair I love so much. He began to tell me how he thought us Georgia rednecks go to the extreme when the least bit of snow is fore casted. Aimee and Shelby ran out the door screaming "snow, snow, snow" With the 3 outside, my moments of silence were no more. Rob, originally from Iowa is used to the snow. He's used to the huge flakes and blizzards. So he found our extreme excitement a little bizarre I suppose.
Aimee and Shelby danced around in the yard and I joined them holding their hands dancing around in circles. When the snow began to fall harder and faster with flakes as big as my thumb, I started screaming "oh my God its a freaking blizzard now!!" I was consumed by such a magical joy at that moment. Rob was laughing from the porch saying "this is far from a f-ing blizzard, this is just a little flurry" The girls and I danced around in the midnight snow with our mouths wide open catching the flakes on our tongue, feeling the soft droplets of the flakes on our faces. Lonnie, my baby brother stepped outside, "freaking f-ing awesome man" he said, running to join us in the yard. I glanced at Rob still on the porch shaking his head at our insane midnight joy in the snow.
I finally told the girls they needed to go to bed, just in case they didn't call school off. Rob was confused questioning whether or not the schools would close. I explained that the schools either close or go on a 2 hour delay even with the slightest dusting of snow. He couldnt believe it. He then told me there would be 5 feet of snow in Iowa and still have school. The thing about Georgia and South Carolina, at the slightest mention of snow, people rush to the grocery store buying bread and milk till there is none in stock. I never fully understood that. I, being the big milk drinker that I am, always drink about a gallon in a day in a half, so I'm always buying milk. When the snow idiots buy out the milk and bread from the stores, I'm quite pissed because then I don't get my daily amount of consumption.
At the slightest blanket of snow, us Georgia rednecks, have to go out in our 4 wheel drive trucks and jeeps and make a mess out of the beautiful white blanket that covers the earth, mixing snow and orange mud, turning it into mush. There are more wrecks on the road because we simply do not know how to drive when the innocent flakes begin to fall and accumulate to less than an inch.
With only less than an inch on the ground, we go around building little snowmen and women with what little snow we have. Theres no need to worry if we use up all the snow on the ground, we mix in a little dirt too, or rob some of the powder like dusting off tops of the cars, buildings, sheds, whatever stands holding just a little snow. After our snow/sand men and women are finished we stand back and admire such a beautiful creation.
When the girls went back in the house, I sat on Rob's lap, my blanket still around me and I felt his arms wrap around my midsection. "don't talk to me, just let me enjoy the snow, the peace, the quietness, the beauty, just let me enjoy it" I whispered leaning into him. Snuggled against him in his lap, feeling the warmth of my furry blanket, and his arms, I watched the snow as it
began to fade into the night, as it went from a Georgia blizzard to a single flake every 30 seconds.
We sat in the quiet, not speaking a word. Just him, me, and the Georgia snow. What a great Peace.
Tonight I confess: Its always been a fantasy of mine to make love in the snow, I wanted to tonight but was embarrassed to tell him.
Friday, January 1, 2010
. It was close to 430am when we arrived home last night or should I say this morning. Rob and the band had to play at an overcroweded, well known, popular bar out of town in Athens Ga. last night. No amount of pouting I did could change the fact and the obligation he had made. Totally dedicated to the band, he wouldnt never let them down..a fact I already knew. As much as I had wished we could spend the New Years laying on the couch watching the ball drop on Times Square, I knew I would be spending New Years Eve alone with the girls spending the night at friends. Lonnie was subbing for the lead guitarist of Robs band who had come down with the ever so dreadful Swine Flu 3 days prior to their big gig. Just before Rob and Lonnie were ready to leave, he asked "sure you dont wanna go?" At that instant I changed my mind. I grabbed my purse and climbed in the truck with them....what the hell I wasnt spending New Years eve alone!
I sat at a table close to the stage in the smoke filled bar. I knew I would have to put up with the drunks, but with Rob close by on the stage, I felt ok. During their break or intermission, whatever its called...Rob and Lonnie came and sat down with me, a few minutes later the countdown began. The over crowded bar began to hoot and holler, and Happy New Year
was said through out the whole bar. I felt Robs hand in my hair as he pulled me closer to him,
and kissed me so softly, so gentle. He whispered against my lips "Happy New Year baby".
Later when they were back on stage jamming to some good ole hard rock, I watched Rob as he sang out the lyrics, as he fingers shredded on the guitar, as he moved about the stage from time to time. Thinking about him telling me he loved me, yet he hadnt told me again since then. But as I watched him, I knew without question, I was in love with him. Not sure how it snuck up on me, but it did.
It was close to 330 am when we made the hour long drive back home. I could hardly hold my eyes open. I laid my head against Rob's shoulder. I felt his hand squeeze my thigh. I liked his hand resting there. Rob, Lonnie, and I both had fallen silent in the truck. With my head resting on Robs shoulder, my eyes half closed, I felt happy, safe, content..I felt complete. I must have chuckled a little bit, because Rob asked me what I was laughing at. Quoting a line from the Jerry McQuire movie I said "you complete me". He squeezed my thigh again and i felt his lips on the top of my head. "Im glad you went tonight, I know you dont like bars, but it meant alot you going. I didnt want you spending New Years eve alone" he said softly. Kinda funny, his voice is so soft, even when hes mad his voice is so soft, but when hes on stage singing, and sometimes screaming, its a whole new different voice.
"yea well, I still wished I could have seen some kind of fireworks, whether on tv or out by the lake. I really wanted to go see the fireworks show at the lake" I moaned.
"I know baby, and Im sorry" he said
I let the subject drop. As we sat in silence once again, no radio, only the hum of the trucks motor, i wondered why I had broken up with him a couple of months ago. Rob knew of my accident, although he and I didnt know eachother then. He had read the newspapers, he knew people that knew me, and hes heard lonnie and my brothers and I talk about it. He was perfectly aware of the whole thing. He never once shyed away from me. He accepted everything about me, and even knowing the way my mind goes haywire sometimes, he never once gave up. He accepted the fact when my mind would spend out of control, he always just takes me by the chin, and forces me to look in his eyes, and softly tells me to slow down. Hes handled my emotions, my anger, and never once judged me. So why did I break up with him a couple of months ago?
Because I was scared of falling inlove again, and him leaving. I didnt want to lose him, I didnt want to love and lose. I was selfish, not thinking of how he felt. I lost Doc that way, and I just didnt want to lose Rob, I didnt want that feeling of lonlieness again, instead, I told him I didnt want to see him anymore. A month later, I went to his music store. when I walked through the doors he just stood there looking at me. There was one customer in the store but Rob was only
looking at me. "I made a mistake" I said tears filling my eyes. He walked over to me and took my hands in his. "No Haley, you didnt make a mistake, you were scared, you ran, I waited, and Im still here just like I said" I fell against him feeling his arms around me.
Just before turning on the lonely road that leads to my house I said "I dont want to lose you"
"what brought that on?" he asked
I shrugged my shoulders "just thinking"
"you think too much haley" he said.
"I know, cant help it" i moaned
"well stop thinking, last time you did that, you broke up with me" he said
"im not this time though" i whispered.
"thats good to know" he laughed.
We pulled up in the long drive way to my house. I woke Lonnie up. "im awake" he moaned.
And when truck rolled to a stop, Lonnie jumped out and ran toward one of the barns.
"where the hell is he going?" I asked Rob
He shrugged his shoulders "when you going to learn not to question his intentions and his whereabouts?"
"as long as hes living under my roof, i have that right, are you spending the night, or should i say morning?"
"yea"
I felt relieved.
Once inside the house, I went straight to the bedroom and starting putting on my pjs. Rob was texting somebody, but I figured it was just a band member letting them know we were home.
Rob walked to my closet and pulled the doors, and pulled out two blankets and my robe. he handed me my rob "put this on" he said.
"why" i asked
"we going outside and lay out under the stars"
"Its 4:35 in the fucking morning Rob, I just want to sleep, plus theres fog, there is no stars"
"I want to make love to you in the field Haley" he said smiling.
"umm I like that idea but its like 30 degrees, foggy, wet, and my bed is so much warmer"
He walked up to me, and started kissing my neck so gently, cold chills ran up and down
my spine "please" he whispered. I pushed him away. "no youve lost your mind" I got in the
bed, and pulled up my nightgown teasing him a tad.
"Nope" he said "im going outside, its a blue moon too, I want to see the blue moon" and he walked out of the bedroom.
I ran down the stairs just as he was walking out the back door and caught up with him.
He stopped in the back yard and laid a blanket on the ground, then he laid down on the blanket.
He patted the empty spot beside him. I laid down beside him shivering. he put his arms around me, then pulled his phone out and texted. "who the hell you keep texting?"
"your brother" he said sarcastically
"whys he at the barn?"
There was a loud boom, and suddenly in the open foggy skies, a multitude of colored sparks appeared in the sky, followed by more, and more. Fireworks, like a grand finale at a firework show.
"Happy New Year Baby" Rob said with his arms hugging me.
Tears filled my eyes "whose shooting them?"
"All 3 of your brothers, i paid them to go pick out the best fireworks just for you, for me to surprise you when we got home. Heres your fireworks baby. I love you Haley"
Today I confess: Im inlove.
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
